Pursuer and Distancer: Understanding the Patterns to Break Free - Marriage Sparks


Pursuer and Distancer: Understanding the Patterns to Break Free

August 21, 2020

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Do you feel like there is a Grand Canyon between you and your spouse? Do you always fall into the tendency of seeking connection and feeling rejected? If so, you might be in a Pursuer-Distancer pattern, and you don't even know it!

In this episode, hear Jon and I uncover how we fall into the same Pursuer-Distancer trap and who plays which role. Listen to our unguarded conversation as we own our mistakes, share our crazy thoughts and inclinations, and reveal where the problem really lies.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

  • How the Coronavirus has impacted our family and business
  • How a pursuer and distancer react differently in high stress
  • Why a distancer gets tagged as ‘emotionally unavailable’
  • Why it is difficult for men to show their vulnerable side
  • Getting from the pursuer-distancer status to “frozen tundra”
  • Blaming the pattern vs. the person

Understanding the Pursuer-Distancer pattern and your part in it is the first step toward breaking out of it. You took the first step today by listening to this podcast episode.




“You're the only one that can fix you.” -Jon

“Anger is like a low boil and it's bubbling and bubbling and bubbling and eventually it's going to explode.” -Amy

“It's the pattern, it's not the person that's the problem in the relationship.” -Amy


Resources Mentioned:

Amy Wine Counseling Center Instagram

Money and Your Marriage Workshop


Other Episodes You Might Enjoy:

The Power of Change, Forgiveness and Rebuilding Trust with Jena Flores

Keeping Your Life In Control In Times of Crisis

Are You Out of Bounds? 7 Ways You May Be Crossing the Line in Your Marriage


Additional Resources:

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Could I ask a big favor? If you are loving the podcast, I would LOVE it if you would leave me a review on Apple Podcasts. I read each and every one! It also helps other people find the podcast! Wondering how to leave a review? Click on the Apple Podcasts link to review, then select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review”. So easy!

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